back alley sessions

i'm back...sorta

2010-03-21T17:24:00.008-06:00

the sorta is that there are no promises, no commitments to writing on a regular basis.

not that anyone has looked at this blog in years anyway...

the image is from brunch this morning, met a few friends for french toast and coffee.

the food was pretty good but the timing was perfect...as i sat there i saw several 'old' friends walk in and sit on the other side of the room. they didn't notice me. several minutes later in walked yet another former face that i had spent years looking at. still beautiful after all this time she joined the others.

my mind filled with memories of times and places that we had shared. gone were the 'bad' feelings that i had carried for so many years and that was such a relief, such a good thing.

my life has had 2 consistencies throughout, falling in love with the wrong women and creating images through photography.

it was a year ago today...

2006-10-05T22:02:00.000-06:00

that i had a heart attack, just 3 days before my birthday.

i took this week off from work so i could quietly celebrate having lived another year.
today was a bit emotional for me at times.

i also painted my living room over the past few days. i hate painting and the job i did proves that pretty much.
but i did it, alone, and finished this morning, just about the same time they were hooking me up to a bunch of tubes last year.

i still get the odd email asking me how i'm doing and advising me to stay cool, eat right, listen to the doctors etc.
the support was appreciated when it happened last year and still is appreciated today. this world can be cold and hard at times but some of the people in it are warm and wonderful.

anyway, i just wanted to mark the occasion...

joe

2006-09-09T20:13:00.000-06:00

thinking there was a need for a small digital camera without shutter lag in my camera bag, i sold my first little digital and bought another. this one is a small canon a620 and strangely enough, i bought it from the same person who sold me my first.
i quite like it despite having it only for a day or so. i took it out today to breakfast with my saturday morning group and for a walk along whyte avenue and into the farmer's market.

here a few quick snaps...

another new lens; i can't help myself

2006-07-27T22:21:00.000-06:00

and then some camera porn...

2006-07-02T22:52:00.000-06:00

one more shot

2006-07-02T22:50:00.000-06:00

some new photos very few words

2006-07-02T22:36:00.000-06:00

a few shots taken recently.

so far behind...

2006-03-13T22:13:00.000-07:00

every time i think about writing something i turn tail and run as i am so far behind here that it's hard to know where to begin.

i have a few photos to post tonight, all taken with my new set up.

i was blessed enough to be given a brand new zeiss ikon camera along with a 35/2 zeiss lens.

this kit so impressed me that i sold off some of my canon rangefinder collection just to buy another new lens for it.
these shots were taken with that new lens, a zm 25/2.8.

saturday morning coffee

snow man on whyte avenue

linda

veggie man at the market

i have more photos that need editing, scanning and some processing that will follow...soon ;)

2005-11-27T07:18:00.000-07:00

as promised, a few summer photos

and some old fashioned camera porn...this is my $10. goodwill olympus 35rc, redone in black paint and genuine black leather. it's a greyhoundman original.

it's all in the timing

2005-11-27T00:27:00.000-07:00

four days after my last blog entry i had a heart attack.
it was three days before my 55th birthday.

there had been a small but important plan in mind for this particular birthday.
on the agenda?
the drinking of a not too smooth scotch and the smoking of a very fine cigar.

this was to be a treat for being ‘so good’.

i had quit smoking about fifteen months prior and can’t even remember the last drink i had.

oh, it was a fine plan...

three days after my cardiac event, on my birthday, i had convinced the doctor that i should go home and start my recovery from the comfort of my own bed.
he wisely agreed.

that same birthday afternoon found me crying in the condiment aisle of my local safeway store, completely overwhelmed at the enormity of a healthy shopping experience.
i had foolishly thought that i was strong enough to get to a bank, make contact with my pharmacy and get all those damn prescriptions filled plus do some food shopping, all on the way home from the hospital.

at this point i was not allowed to drive so my good friend and protector was also designated driver and witness to my minor meltdown.

praise the powers that be for good friends.

what followed was four weeks of not doing much of anything.
no lifting, not even my arms above my head.
no cleaning and a strong warning to stay away from the evil vacuum cleaner.
those things are killers, apparently.

i was allowed three five minute walks a day for the first week.
i think i took only one as i had convinced myself that i would be found dead on the sidewalk, crawling towards my front door as my faithful dog slept on my corpse and the neighbors stepped over my lifeless body.

ok, so the fear level was a tad heightened. hey, i just had a heart attack!

the worst time for me were the nights, just before drifting off to sleep.
especially that first night home.
there were no nurses, doctors or lines running into or out of my body and no monitors of any kind.

how would anyone know if i died in my sleep?
what if i did die in my sleep?
i would miss the whole rest of my life!
thoughts like that only pop up occasionally now.

after four weeks the doctor said i could once again drive and go back to work.
i was overjoyed and scared silly all over again.

my first day back was eventful to say the least.
i was given the warmest welcome back ever and a layoff notice.
and i thought i had mental health problems before...

but was it just a horrible misunderstanding? no, not really.
it was just the absolute worst job of communication, plain and simple.

the next day i was offered any job i wanted in one of our new programs.

it’s true what they say...it’s all in the timing!

and now?
well, i’m taking it easy, i see my doctor ever few weeks and occasionally go into the lab for a test or two.

and i should be starting in that new program any day now.

more photos will be coming, i promise.
as a tease I’ll post a couple soon, maybe tomorrow...

where has the time gone?

2005-10-01T23:38:00.000-06:00

my blog has been abandoned all summer!

it was not my intent to run away, honest!

i have not written poem or prose since may, except for all those posts on rangefinderforum.com -

i think i’m almost at 9 thousand.

who knew i had so much to say ;) ?

as for my photography i have not abandoned that,
soon i will begin to process the film i shot this summer, mostly tri-x, and then start the task of editing, scanning and posting.

here are a couple of digi shots of my 'real' cameras.

stay tuned...

a walk on whyte

2005-05-29T22:43:00.000-06:00

pray for change

a few photos from the past 2 weekends on whyte avenue...

a hip shot

can

look

walkin' the dog

spring cleaning

2005-05-07T16:58:00.000-06:00

there have been times over the years that i get restless, very restless.

these times have come to be known as spring cleaning days for me as i become dissatisfied with things.

things i own, things i do and things (life) in general.

some might call this depression, others a malaise, i just call it restlessness because i need to do something and i usually have little patience for getting it done.
do it now-finish it quickly-get it all out of my sight!
simple really.

so, this spring cleaning is all about cameras and lenses and photo stuff.

i have sold some lenses and am trying to sell others.
i let go of a few accessories that i no longer feel the need for.
edit down, feel free, easier decisions...

now the odd part...

i am in the process of buying a lovely older canon lll with a collapsible lens and can barely wait to play with it. i plan on taking it everywhere i go, seriously.

there is also that 100/2 canon lens i am in search of and i need to research photo printers because I’m selling off the darkroom i never use any more.

i find it odd that my cameras and lenses are from the 1950s and i now digitally scan my hand processed negatives and plan to use a machine to print my digital scans.
i would think ‘schizophrenic’, if i only knew how to spell it.

and now, some signs of the season of spring...

april showers

2005-04-16T20:25:00.000-06:00

where to begin?

it has been a bad month so far...well not really but, this was my first thought and while it's not entirely accurate, it feels that way.

intellect versus emotion - - nah, not going there today...

what's happened so far this month?
i was lucky enough to purchase 2 'new' lenses for my photo rig and that's very good.
except one looks like it went through a war and the other was a disappointment because i didn't do my homework.
the 'war' lens is very small and has a reputation for being very sharp. i have not tried it yet. it is a canon 100/3.5 lens made for my canon cameras.
i really should not complain too much as the lens does work, in fact it was recently serviced, and the focus is like butter, maybe better.
it's just ugly!

the other lens is in very nice shape, cosmetically clean and the glass is clear, no marks on it at all. it is the canon 50/1.9 collapsible lens. it works perfectly but does not collapse all the way into my camera body. why? cause it's not supposed to. but i didn't know that when i bought it, hence the previous lack of homework comment.

while being disappointed with both lenses was my burden i decided to take the little 50 out for a spin, might as well see what the lil thing could do.
so i mounted it on my favourite camera and headed out.

ever hear about bad things coming in three's?

i dropped my favourite camera and 'new' lens onto the concrete of whyte avenue.

it was a sickening thud...

maybe you can better understand the bad month comment now.

the camera and lens are now en route to new jersey where i hope they can put humpty together again.

fortunately, i managed to take a few shots with that combo the week before and i'll show you a couple along with a few shots from today, taken with my favourite lens, the canon 35/2.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

new beginnings...old photos

2005-03-16T20:40:00.000-07:00

recently, i have begun to scan my own negatives.
prior to this, my scans were made by a local lab and while i am pleased overall with their work, it is not my work.

and so, i have looked about and found some very old negatives to practice on.
these shots were taken a very long time ago when i was young. not younger, young.

my friend kathleen is the model. she is still young.

_________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________

an early attempt at street shooting.

robert capa once said, "if your pictures aren't good enough you're not close enough"

i think he was right.

____________________________________________________________________________________

not by me but of me

shooter unknown

____________________________________________________________________________________

scratch my back

2005-02-26T00:29:00.000-07:00

scratch my back

you walked in
looked right at me and smiled
nervous
trying to appear calm
my heart raced
face flushed
blood flowing with no respect for modesty
love was not anticipated
not foreseen
there was a need
for company
someone
to ease my loneliness
help me to feel
part of something bigger than just myself
my little world
someone
to scratch my back
i remember
that energetic entrance
into the coffee shop
so pretty and young
full of life
you appeared confident
radiantly striding
towards me
your smile
lit up the darkened room
and i was never the same again
i felt so good inside
so warm all over
like i belonged
to someone
i was a little overwhelmed
here was someone who moved me
who might bring me back
from the deathless periphery

being lost
inside
for so long
separated from
joy happiness life
I was so
excited
no thought was spent
what was i getting myself into
i failed
to slow down
appreciate
all you had to offer
instead
i rushed forward
not taking time
to consider
how it was for you
that your past
had impact & influence
that your needs
were important
the same as mine
i have often
said
that if the world would only do things
my way
it would be a better place to live
what a fool
I
fell in love
you
answered the challenge
brave foolish or blind

we both were
too nimble
moved forward
too quickly
not glancing back
to judge this love
experience should have guided us better

our dream was stronger
than the sleep covering our eyes
in our longing
the illusion of a home
security support safety
ah
but what fun we had
laughing together
walking
side by side
our sleep covered eyes
cast on a future
not considered
though
there was a spark
heated to a burn
flamed by passion
doused
by the consummation of reality
sharing our hopes sorrows secrets
but not the truth
we shared in haste
but were slow to trust
parcelling out the future
pillow talk
after midnight
we were too weary
to value what we had to say
giving time and strength
to life’s distractions
but little to the things
I miss so much now

lack of nourishment
for the soul
selfish effort
one nite
you said
I should go
while I wasn’t surprised
I was shocked
numb really
these moments are never easy to comprehend
reality colliding with illusion
fact versus fancy
pain replacing pleasure
the days following
were filled with
quiet anguish
the nights
empty
save for
silence and tears
I packed up my life
remembering every good moment
with each piece wrapped
but
lives are more
than taped up boxes
than framed pictures surrounded by yesterdays news
life is also
a commitment
and when the promise is made
sealed with a kiss
there should be more glue than goodbye

I believed in the future
of warm memories
but right now
none come to mind
occasionally
one will pass
but when I turn to look
it disappears
the truck backs up
and the boxes that are my life are placed inside
carefully
more carefully than when they were unpacked
with more thought given
to the stability of the ride
the safety of the contents
than we gave to ourselves
and the dark ride
that was to become our journey
great effort was spent
transferring our life
to my new existence
more exertion than we invested
in transforming our failure into success
did we give up
too soon
too easily
with eyes cast on
a new future
new hopes
new plans
new dreams
old story
I look back
too often
wondering too many questions
missing too many things
praying for too much change

my new home
familiar yet foreign
comfortable and lonely
all at the same time
there is no history here
no recollections of better times
no laughs no smiles
just life moving on
evenings
I find myself
in a circle
sitting with other men
sharing my story
listening to theirs
we have a common bond
how we treat women
a common goal
learning how to do it differently
my day begins and ends
the same
with thoughts
of you
yes I miss you
still
but less now
healing has started
pain diminishing
the light is getting
brighter
my step a bit livelier
sleep comes easier
as does the morning
while I don’t leap out of bed
embracing the new day
I no longer bury my head
under the pillow
afraid of the sun
spirit recovering
my core is still fragile
life’s focus somewhat fuzzy
under advisement from friends

I carry on...

migraines

2005-02-08T20:10:00.000-07:00

migraine pain is often described as throbbing or pulsating pain that is intensified by routine physical activity, coughing, straining, or lowering the head. the headache is often so severe that it interferes with daily activity. the attack is debilitating, and migraine sufferers are often left feeling tired and weak once the headache has passed.

(above lifted from the web)

i have suffered with migraine headaches since i was 8 years old. my mother first discovered this when she caught me hitting my head against my bedroom wall.

i was trying to make the pain stop.

i have been trying to make the pain stop ever since.

my headaches are an almost daily ritual but it's the migraines that are the killers. work, rest and play can be enjoyed while still living with a 'regular' headache but everything stops, these days, when a migraine hits.

ever hear that saying ' i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy'?

well, i WOULD wish a migraine on MY worst enemy.

at least if i wanted to completely debilitate him.

so why the mini rant on migraines?

this shot i took the other day screams 'migraine' when i look at it.

sunday morning

2005-02-06T13:05:00.000-07:00

this morning i took my dog for a walk, this, after shovelling snow and making sure that my car would start.

i think it's about -16c right now.

it is only in winter that i ask myself the reason i live here.

as to the walk, we both seem to enjoy it but i think the dog has the advantage when it comes to the sheer physicality of the event. she loves the snow and reminds me of a dolphin diving in and out of the water as she 'dives' into deep snow and emerges with a white face.

i also enjoy the walk but more for the fun of watching sugar and looking at the scenery.

this is what i saw today.

hope you enjoy it too!

better today

2005-01-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

today it was actually very nice outside.
sunny and the temp reached about +5c.

that's more like it!
i took some photos and guess what? no gloves needed!

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some outdoor fun with ice sculptures

waiting for the green light while yelling nasty things at passing cars

from inside the 'friendly nest', drinking coffee
i really like this shot, for some reason...

it's damn cold!

2005-01-30T20:17:00.000-07:00

i was starting to get a little nutty.
cabin fever.
stir crazy.

get up in the morning,
drive to work,
in the dark,
work for 8 hours,
drive home,
in the dark.

repeat 4 times.

and then comes Saturday and I’m free.
except for the bloody cold.
freezing temperatures, high wind chill factors!
so cold i couldn’t hold a camera without gloves or mitts.
have you ever tried to hold a metal camera without gloves or mitts when it’s -23c?
you need thin gloves to keep your skin from touching the metal and to work the camera controls.

perfect!

not really!

because thin gloves mean my hands get real cold but it takes 2 minutes.
then i start to cry.
and dream of warm places to live while i wait for the blood to return to my digits.

a few weeks ago i just couldn’t take it any longer and decided i was heading out to take some photos.
i got my gear and headed to whyte avenue.

i was ready.
i was pumped.
i lasted about 4 blocks before i escaped into the ‘friendly nest’ for a coffee.

damn i was cold.
these photos are from that great frozen adventure.

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can you imagine waiting for a bus in this cold?

or shoveling snow?

this is more like it - walk really fast!

coffee & cameras

2005-01-28T19:31:00.000-07:00

i belong to a little internet community that celebrates the use of rangefinder cameras.
we also seem to celebrate the collection, admiration and general lust for said cameras.
while there are brand spankin’ new cameras out there (and we do love them), many of us also use older cameras. the kind that are heavy, chrome over brass made when we were kids kind of cameras.

one fellow at our forum started a thread that posted his camera with a cup of coffee. it’s a fine looking camera and a tasty cup of coffee.
last time i looked there was over a thousand posts to that thread. a few of them belong to me.

today, i took my canon ‘p’ camera (circa ‘59'-62') out for a coffee.

we shared a bagel and i took this shot with my digital.
some might worry that i have a camera to take photos of my cameras but it seems quite normal to me.

for those that may be interested, that’s a 35/2.8 canon lens mated to the camera.
it also is chrome on brass, weighs a tiny ton, weighs more than the digital camera.

and then we were gone...

the dark side?

2005-01-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

what is the dark side?

when my initial interest in photography blossomed that would have meant thinking about buying a canon and not the nikon.

for others, this was likely preceded by the choice between a rangefinder or a single lens reflex camera.

and is now followed by choosing between a digital camera or film camera.

i have long scorned the rise of digital photography.
fear and ignorance being the key - added to a tendency to really dislike change.

and so after too many years i have gone over to the dark side and bought my ‘first good’ digital camera.

i still have my first good film camera, an olympus 35rc, and will keep it for as long as i can hold it steady.
film will always be my first choice but digital might be fun and it’s great to have so i can take instant snaps of my film cameras.

here are some samples from my first digital attempts, please bear with me and my new learning curve.

this is me!

and this is my dog, 'sugar'!

winter in alberta

2005-01-23T15:39:00.000-07:00

this is my regular gas station, hidden behind some snow

this is the bus stop in front of the gas station.
note the snow up to the bench's seat.

a fence with snow up against it.

i'm in there, somewhere

2005-01-15T20:20:00.000-07:00

this would be me, early

2005-01-15T20:18:00.000-07:00

farmer's market, early

2005-01-15T20:16:00.000-07:00

back

2005-01-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

whimsy

2005-01-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

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no idea

so i woke up the other morning
and i’m standing on this road
with absolutely no idea where i am
or where i’m going
needless to say i sat down
i sat down to assess the situation
now time was on my mind
i looked at my watch and noticed it had started to rain
where was my cat i thought
where was that red tabby
his fur does not like the feel of water
so began this travel in search of my scared kitty
i wandered hi and lo near and far far and wide
where could he be hiding
there was the old barn but that door had been left open
and I doubted that he would return
looked under the bridge but we’d crossed that one awhile ago
thought i’d turn ‘round but decided there was no goin’ back
with only one solution left
i knew i had to wait for kitty to return on his own
so once again i’m left on this open road
alone and sometimes lonely scared as my cat
except
I like the rain

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the beast

first there’s beauty
then
there is the beast
while searching for
the ideal
I found the truth
that simplicity
is a complicated affair
honesty
is surrounded by lies
and the image of oneself
is not always
a perfect picture
on the road to peace
tranquillity
is frequently a stormy journey

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prairie rain

fat man
standing
in the middle of the road
naked
radio playing
country music
fat man
motionless
his mind races
thoughts of her
dancing
fat man
turns
looks back
to where he came from
long stretch of empty road
ghost towns
prairie rain
sun at his back
fat man turns once again
squints at the distance
long shadows
unknown highway
dangerous journey

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on death...

2005-01-09T21:39:00.000-07:00

mother

extreme
sadness
felt
emptiness
your place
in my life
at the table
your laugh
at my expense
answers
to my
questions
smile
in your
eye
comfort
in my
soul
voice
on the
phone
long distance
longer now
security
anchor
love
history
future
your death
my loss
i
was
ready
i
was
shattered

at the market

2005-01-07T01:00:00.001-07:00

open bar

2005-01-07T01:00:00.000-07:00

ever been divorced?

2005-01-07T00:39:00.001-07:00

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alone

driving
sitting alone
in my jeep

waiting for the pizza
sitting alone
in my seat

watching television
sitting alone
in the dark

shopping
walking down the aisle
alone
pushing my cart

lighting a fire
match to kindling
alone
by the warm glow

in my kitchen
cooking
working alone
making coffee
stirring my cup
drinking alone

sitting at my computer
writing this poem
writing alone

lighting a smoke
casual relaxation
smoking alone

thinking of ways
of how i’m alone
thinking alone

music playing
lights way down low
wee small hours of the morning
listening alone

off to bed
under my covers
comfortable
relaxed
sleeping alone

unemployed
looking for work
feeling alone

got my own place
neat as a pin
wandering
from room to room
living alone

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footsteps

eyes heavy
another sleepless nite
legs shaky
they drop
off
the empty bed
feet hit the floor
alarm continues it’s
relentless job
morning struggle
to the bathroom
begin the routine
that is my life
looking into
shower fogged mirror
there is something different
today
something not right
something very wrong
the nervous knot
that has won the war with my stomach
radiates it’s sickening feeling
thru-out
now
un
mistakable
reflected
is a tired face
only familiar
increasingly alien
i see my father

my desire to be
quiet and gentle
patient and kind
filled with
peace and goodness
has never materialized
instead i have become my father
step-father
loud
bitter
angry man
heavy heart
filled with stabbing sadness
sudden realization
shoulders bend with the weight
of painful understanding
that i will never
be the man i had hoped to be
but instead
i am the man
i swore
i never
would be
the hope
less
ness
leads me to
wonder
why
why bother

__________________________________

no picnic

i walked
through the doorway
you opened the door
it was
my voice
everyone heard
but
you

once you said
life with me was like living
with a woman
then proceeded
to treat me like
a second class person

i wrote poems
took photographs
listened to music
my diversity was attractive
then
no more

you were drawn to
my dark side
then chose the light

i realize
i’m no picnic
but you brought your share
of ants
to the blanket

the journey is mine
you held the compass
set the direction
i’m the traveller
you bought the tickets

i yelled
you reacted

there are better days
clear thoughts
goals
and then
not so good days
and nites
what once seemed a game
now too real
painful
permanent
thoughts of you
cloud my mind
overrun logic
outdistance
discipline & control
make me crazy
make me cry

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oh so wrong

so
where was it
that i went wrong
i thought you might want some company
dinner maybe
when you were lonely
was i there
was i missing in action
or just
missing the point

coffee would be nice
conversation better
was your heart
hurting
did you know where to turn
was my back to you
sitting quietly on the couch
just hold me
let my strength
be there
for you

i thought our dreams
were
the same
i thought our fears
were
the same
i thought
wrong

and now
every day
i pay the price
for my
thoughtlessness
insensitivity
closed eyes ears heart

hold my hand
feel my friendship
let’s talk
i see your tears
hear the pain in your voice
wonder how i missed it
before
to feel you
lying beside me
my warmth
against
your cold hands feet

i miss you
my spirt is broken
i have given up
back bent eyes dulled
shuffle through
what is left
of my life

i long to feel
your skin
your strength
your love
and friendship

my heart
is empty
my soul
is empty
my life
is empty

to hear your voice
to experience your smile
your laugh
i would sacrifice
the sanctuary
of who i am
who i was
or
ever will be again

___________________________________________

from my series 'family'

2005-01-02T17:45:00.000-07:00

_____________________________

grandpa

i remember
new york summers
living with my
grandparents
on long island
far from the city
my grandfather
gentle farmer
shovel in one hand
old handkerchief in the other
tilling the earth
wiping his face
bending
seeds between his fingers
hands into the dirt
he loved his garden
would show with pride
his tomatoes
large round ripe
years later
i would sit
for hours
alone
in my garden
watching
the green shoots
push their way
through the dirt
thinking
about grandpa
remembering
smiling
loving him
missing
the innocence
of
our friendship

___________________________________________

am i right ?

new york city
we lived above an empty store
on the avenue
four of us
in a two bedroom apartment
winters
cold and damp
hot water heating
the pipes
that
always seemed
to hiss at us
daddy
slept on the couch
between jobs
days for the city
full time
nites for extra money
part time
(he was a good man)
i remember
my father
(step-father really)
a smiling man
who always seemed angry
he was hard working
capable of a good time
although not
with me
or
my mother
or
my sister
(half-sister really)
he had large hands
a tall wide frame
and muscles
beautiful salt and pepper hair
and a voice
loud enough
to frighten the soul
from a little boy

there were
rules
and somehow
i managed
to break all of them
(often)
feeling like an afterthought
(usually)
i couldn’t do much
right
couldn’t hold the flashlite
so the beam
was in
the right place
couldn’t pass the right tool
when demanded
even though
the shapes
names
and reasons for being
were never
described to me
i always guessed
i wasn’t
smart enough
to have been born
with the same information
as every one else
at 46
i’m still treated
the same as
when i was 12
but for me
its different now
i’m no longer
intimidated
no longer
afraid
to ask
the questions
that need
to be asked
my only
fear
is
following
in his footsteps

________________________________

family tree

neil diamond
sang
brooklyn roads
opened my soul
to sleeping memories
i ache
remembering
the smells
and sounds
seeing again
the faces
of my family
long dead
buried
deep in my being
grandfather
sicilian
new york
factory worker
garment district
born in africa
tunisia
fisherman
loved the sea
as he loved the earth
gardener
big smile
strong hands
friendly to children
asthmatic
gentle soul in pain

grandmother
scowling
lined face
hard worker
cook & cleaner
3 sons
2 dead
1 my father
the other
an uncle i never met
remaining uncle
like a second dad
my memories are of
sunday dinners
pasta
homemade
sauce
homemade
wine
homemade
love
homemade

_____________________________________

edge

we were prepared
waiting
old news old information
doctors orders
the ordeal
the pain
the wait
sometimes
we acted
as if

as if everything
were ok
as if everything
would just go
away
as if you
would never
leave

but you left
died
now
i am alone
my parents are dead
am i an orphan
or just old

the edge
close
insanity
the cord is cut
my anchor is
floating
fear
terrifying aloneness
empty
hungry
crying

you
a part of
me
a part of you
always

2005-01-01T14:31:00.000-07:00

2005-01-01T14:15:00.000-07:00

one of my favourite photos.
this is whyte avenue, early saturday morning.

my only epic poem

2004-12-30T21:09:00.000-07:00

ok, maybe epic is a reach but it IS long.

i was born in brooklyn, new york city. at one time, i would normally describe myself as a new york italian. i long ago moved away from my home town and ventured north, way up into the land of the frozen north.

why? that's a whole 'nother story!

i wrote this shortly after 9/11

heart at half mast

8:46 am eastern daylight time
lives change forever
events before unimaginable
now etched on the cave wall of my mind
there are people running in the streets
chased by dust and debris
smoke follows like a demon
on fire
9:03 am eastern daylight time
another
this time proof of intent
the cave wall of my mind shatters
shock
fear
disgust
anger
rage
hatred
revenge

if i leave now
i could be there
in seven hours

starting to question
why
why my home town
do they hate us that much
i mean that much
twenty minutes to
the airport
stop over in toronto
mostly numb now
eyes on the monitor
same image
over and over and over and over and over
airports are closed
jump in the car?
drive?
three days straight thru
i need to do something
besides sit here and cry
and cry and cry and cry and cry
i phone home
is every one ok
do we know anyone who...
i know you used to work there
sit on the plaza
eat lunch people watch

what the fuck?

the knot in my gut
seems to grow with each
new piece of information
each new devastating
scene of destruction
i am taking this personally
this is my home town
these are my people
my streets
my history
cnn...
i watch
dancing in the streets
dancing in joyful
celebration
at the horrible deaths
death by burning
death by jumping from the 100th floor
crushing death stone and steel
dancing?
joyfully?
i was born in new york
and couldn’t wait to leave that city
when i was younger
now
all i want
all i can think
is to go home
help clean up
the mess
pick up a gun
kill someone

my heart is at half mast
not only for what was done in new york city
not only for what was done in washington dc
not only for what was done in pennsylvania
but for what was done
in me
for what i want to do
for the fear and hatred
i now carry
that refuses to leave me
that my soul cannot command to calmness
for the spirit that was killed
for this new demon
i have become

if i had hair i'd be pulling it out

2004-12-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

well, good morning to all!

i have had breakfast and am finishing off coffee pot #1.
this blog has become frustrating for i cannot figure out how to post a photo to it.
ever play 'trivial persuit' and have someone say "oh, that's an easy one" to a question that you have no idea what the answer is?
that's kinda how i feel right now, trying to use this very simple, easy to use software.
i hope that it IS something simple and that i will figure it out eventually.

on to the day...
christmas break is still happening for me so no work today.
plans include a walk along whyte avenue, in the cold & snow, in hopes of shooting a good photo. a new member of the photo forum that i moderate lives in a neighboring city and is in town visiting friends & relatives, we plan to meet for coffee later this afternoon. i've invited another buddy to come along also.
later on, i'll take my dog, sugar, out for a walk in the snow. she loves the snow, dives into it like a pool of water (which she dislikes).

ok, another cup of coffee and another look at this 'hello' software. let's see what happens!

joe

it's midnight, welcome!

2004-12-30T00:02:00.000-07:00

it's a bit late and i just started my first blog!

i have been thinking about this for awhile and the time seems right tonight.
i hope to post some photos as i'm an avid amateur photographer and to post some poetry as i'm a lazy poet.
i might just post some opinions about life and things in general as i'm a somewhat opinionated guy at times.

but really, my hope is to have a place to go and just plop down some stuff as i see it.
a sanctuary, of sorts...

joe