Saturday, February 26, 2005

scratch my back


scratch my back

you walked in
looked right at me and smiled
trying to appear calm
my heart raced
face flushed
blood flowing with no respect for modesty
love was not anticipated
not foreseen
there was a need
for company
to ease my loneliness
help me to feel
part of something bigger than just myself
my little world
to scratch my back
i remember
that energetic entrance
into the coffee shop
so pretty and young
full of life
you appeared confident
radiantly striding
towards me
your smile
lit up the darkened room
and i was never the same again
i felt so good inside
so warm all over
like i belonged
to someone
i was a little overwhelmed
here was someone who moved me
who might bring me back
from the deathless periphery

being lost
for so long
separated from
joy happiness life
I was so
no thought was spent
what was i getting myself into
i failed
to slow down
all you had to offer
i rushed forward
not taking time
to consider
how it was for you
that your past
had impact & influence
that your needs
were important
the same as mine
i have often
that if the world would only do things
my way
it would be a better place to live
what a fool
fell in love
answered the challenge
brave foolish or blind

we both were
too nimble
moved forward
too quickly
not glancing back
to judge this love
experience should have guided us better

our dream was stronger
than the sleep covering our eyes
in our longing
the illusion of a home
security support safety
but what fun we had
laughing together
side by side
our sleep covered eyes
cast on a future
not considered
there was a spark
heated to a burn
flamed by passion
by the consummation of reality
sharing our hopes sorrows secrets
but not the truth
we shared in haste
but were slow to trust
parcelling out the future
pillow talk
after midnight
we were too weary
to value what we had to say
giving time and strength
to life’s distractions
but little to the things
I miss so much now

lack of nourishment
for the soul
selfish effort
one nite
you said
I should go
while I wasn’t surprised
I was shocked
numb really
these moments are never easy to comprehend
reality colliding with illusion
fact versus fancy
pain replacing pleasure
the days following
were filled with
quiet anguish
the nights
save for
silence and tears
I packed up my life
remembering every good moment
with each piece wrapped
lives are more
than taped up boxes
than framed pictures surrounded by yesterdays news
life is also
a commitment
and when the promise is made
sealed with a kiss
there should be more glue than goodbye

I believed in the future
of warm memories
but right now
none come to mind
one will pass
but when I turn to look
it disappears
the truck backs up
and the boxes that are my life are placed inside
more carefully than when they were unpacked
with more thought given
to the stability of the ride
the safety of the contents
than we gave to ourselves
and the dark ride
that was to become our journey
great effort was spent
transferring our life
to my new existence
more exertion than we invested
in transforming our failure into success
did we give up
too soon
too easily
with eyes cast on
a new future
new hopes
new plans
new dreams
old story
I look back
too often
wondering too many questions
missing too many things
praying for too much change

my new home
familiar yet foreign
comfortable and lonely
all at the same time
there is no history here
no recollections of better times
no laughs no smiles
just life moving on
I find myself
in a circle
sitting with other men
sharing my story
listening to theirs
we have a common bond
how we treat women
a common goal
learning how to do it differently
my day begins and ends
the same
with thoughts
of you
yes I miss you
but less now
healing has started
pain diminishing
the light is getting
my step a bit livelier
sleep comes easier
as does the morning
while I don’t leap out of bed
embracing the new day
I no longer bury my head
under the pillow
afraid of the sun
spirit recovering
my core is still fragile
life’s focus somewhat fuzzy
under advisement from friends

I carry on...

Tuesday, February 08, 2005


migraine pain is often described as throbbing or pulsating pain that is intensified by routine physical activity, coughing, straining, or lowering the head. the headache is often so severe that it interferes with daily activity. the attack is debilitating, and migraine sufferers are often left feeling tired and weak once the headache has passed.
(above lifted from the web)
i have suffered with migraine headaches since i was 8 years old. my mother first discovered this when she caught me hitting my head against my bedroom wall.
i was trying to make the pain stop.
i have been trying to make the pain stop ever since.
my headaches are an almost daily ritual but it's the migraines that are the killers. work, rest and play can be enjoyed while still living with a 'regular' headache but everything stops, these days, when a migraine hits.
ever hear that saying ' i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy'?
well, i WOULD wish a migraine on MY worst enemy.
at least if i wanted to completely debilitate him.
so why the mini rant on migraines?
this shot i took the other day screams 'migraine' when i look at it.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

sunday morning

this morning i took my dog for a walk, this, after shovelling snow and making sure that my car would start.
i think it's about -16c right now.
it is only in winter that i ask myself the reason i live here.
as to the walk, we both seem to enjoy it but i think the dog has the advantage when it comes to the sheer physicality of the event. she loves the snow and reminds me of a dolphin diving in and out of the water as she 'dives' into deep snow and emerges with a white face.
i also enjoy the walk but more for the fun of watching sugar and looking at the scenery.
this is what i saw today.
hope you enjoy it too!