ever been divorced?

______________________________________

alone

driving
sitting alone
in my jeep

waiting for the pizza
sitting alone
in my seat

watching television
sitting alone
in the dark

shopping
walking down the aisle
alone
pushing my cart

lighting a fire
match to kindling
alone
by the warm glow

in my kitchen
cooking
working alone
making coffee
stirring my cup
drinking alone

sitting at my computer
writing this poem
writing alone

lighting a smoke
casual relaxation
smoking alone

thinking of ways
of how i’m alone
thinking alone

music playing
lights way down low
wee small hours of the morning
listening alone

off to bed
under my covers
comfortable
relaxed
sleeping alone

unemployed
looking for work
feeling alone

got my own place
neat as a pin
wandering
from room to room
living alone

_____________________________________

footsteps

eyes heavy
another sleepless nite
legs shaky
they drop
off
the empty bed
feet hit the floor
alarm continues it’s
relentless job
morning struggle
to the bathroom
begin the routine
that is my life
looking into
shower fogged mirror
there is something different
today
something not right
something very wrong
the nervous knot
that has won the war with my stomach
radiates it’s sickening feeling
thru-out
now
un
mistakable
reflected
is a tired face
only familiar
increasingly alien
i see my father

my desire to be
quiet and gentle
patient and kind
filled with
peace and goodness
has never materialized
instead i have become my father
step-father
loud
bitter
angry man
heavy heart
filled with stabbing sadness
sudden realization
shoulders bend with the weight
of painful understanding
that i will never
be the man i had hoped to be
but instead
i am the man
i swore
i never
would be
the hope
less
ness
leads me to
wonder
why
why bother

__________________________________

no picnic

i walked
through the doorway
you opened the door
it was
my voice
everyone heard
but
you

once you said
life with me was like living
with a woman
then proceeded
to treat me like
a second class person

i wrote poems
took photographs
listened to music
my diversity was attractive
then
no more

you were drawn to
my dark side
then chose the light

i realize
i’m no picnic
but you brought your share
of ants
to the blanket

the journey is mine
you held the compass
set the direction
i’m the traveller
you bought the tickets

i yelled
you reacted

there are better days
clear thoughts
goals
and then
not so good days
and nites
what once seemed a game
now too real
painful
permanent
thoughts of you
cloud my mind
overrun logic
outdistance
discipline & control
make me crazy
make me cry

____________________________________

oh so wrong

so
where was it
that i went wrong
i thought you might want some company
dinner maybe
when you were lonely
was i there
was i missing in action
or just
missing the point

coffee would be nice
conversation better
was your heart
hurting
did you know where to turn
was my back to you
sitting quietly on the couch
just hold me
let my strength
be there
for you

i thought our dreams
were
the same
i thought our fears
were
the same
i thought
wrong


and now
every day
i pay the price
for my
thoughtlessness
insensitivity
closed eyes ears heart

hold my hand
feel my friendship
let’s talk
i see your tears
hear the pain in your voice
wonder how i missed it
before
to feel you
lying beside me
my warmth
against
your cold hands feet

i miss you
my spirt is broken
i have given up
back bent eyes dulled
shuffle through
what is left
of my life

i long to feel
your skin
your strength
your love
and friendship

my heart
is empty
my soul
is empty
my life
is empty

to hear your voice
to experience your smile
your laugh
i would sacrifice
the sanctuary
of who i am
who i was
or
ever will be again

___________________________________________